It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
