Don't make out with my wife yet
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
