Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
