I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
