Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize