I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
