I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
