so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
