Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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