I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
