I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
