Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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