"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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