he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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