is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
