when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
handjob tips. give me some.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
