Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
