Already got asked if we're dating
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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