I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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