I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We got so high we made milksteak
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
