I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
