Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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