I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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