i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
