I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
