I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
