Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
