her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
