Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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