she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
