before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
