Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
