i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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