All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
