if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's Friday. Sex?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
