I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
