PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
