I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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