woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
