A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
