I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
