I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
