dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
