were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
