i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You've changed since you got that strap on
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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