stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
