Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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