My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
