I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
