i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
